Philosophies

I find myself repeating two phrases a lot lately: "It is what it is." and "He/She is an adult.  He/She can figure it out and make their own decisions."

I've been using the first phrase for a few years, but I really am saying it more now than ever.  I know that some people interpret it as a laissez-faire attitude, thinking that I don't really care about what's happening.  I think it's just a realistic way of seeing the world.  Some things you cannot change.   My boss in New York is obsessing about an annual report due to our client.  I understand the importance of this document, but I cannot change Tony's obsessive behavior over it.  It is what it is.   I say this to the boss I see everyday, Bob.  I don't think he believes me.  He holds onto a lot of worries and anxieties.  The man is going to have an ulcer one day.  Maybe it comes with territory of being a boss, but I think it's not a great way to work or lead.  Some days, I can actually feel the cynicism and negativity radiating from him through the rest of the office.  So, I tell myself that I cannot force him to embrace the concept of "letting go".  It is what it is.   He needs to make his own decisions. 

The second phrase emerged last Fall.  One of my best friends worried about what everyone else would think if she left the group at a sporting event to get a break.  Sometimes, large groups can be overwhelming and no one ever agrees to the same ideas. It's a frustrating experience and I completely understand this.  We've been friends for a long time, so I felt comfortable saying to her, "You're an adult and you can make your own decisions."  I saw this relieved look on her face and she thanked me for the reminder.  

Now, I've said this since to other people, mainly co-workers, and I don't get the same reaction.  The statement is pretty blunt, and I never apologize for saying it.  I don't say it to be mean, but as a reminder to people that they are responsible for their own actions.  Please do not ask me for permission for something going on in your own life.    I am more than happy to give advice or to listen to a friend in need.  I can offer knowledge and support.  However, that openness does not give me license to tell my friends, co-workers, or even strangers, how to live their lives.  I have a few friends who smoke.  I never lecture them about it.  They know I don't smoke and know that I think it's an unhealthy habit.  Yet, it's not my place to tell them to stop.  If they ask my opinion, I will tell them the truth.  It is totally up to them whether or not they value my judgement and heed my words.  I'm not one to bully someone into my way of thinking.  I would never make a good lawyer.  

Once again, some people might think that I just don't care.  My view is that we need to take personal responsibility for our own lives.  We're adults.